An African safari is an incredible way to view wildlife, but there’s more to the experience than seeing animals (and it’s not all good!). In my second letter to my son, I break down what it’s REALLY like to go on an African safari in Serengeti National Park, Tanzania.
Dear Kid,
In 2016, back when you weren’t yet a twinkle in your mother’s eye, your mom and I embarked on a week-long African safari as part of our honeymoon.
In this letter, I dive into the good and bad of the safari experience in Serengeti National Park, Tanzania.
We had a blast on our safari, but there’s a hell of a lot more to the experience than seeing animals. What are sleeping arrangements like? How are the meals? What are the chances of witnessing animals killing or fornicating with each other?
This was really fun to write. Enjoy!
THE GOOD
A safari is pretty much The Lion King in person
Alright, let’s get the obvious out of the way. Seeing safari animals in their natural habitat is an incredible “Well I’ll be damned, is this real?!” experience.
To illustrate, consider the alternate way of seeing safari animals in person – the zoo.
At a zoo, you walk from exhibit to exhibit. You view animals that are trapped in a manmade habitat that’s usually the size of a backyard or garage. You’re separated from the animals by a cage or fence. How the animals ended up at the zoo is an open question. They may have been rescued and would be unable to survive in the wild. They may have been stolen away from their home. Who really knows?
On an African safari, your guide drives you around miles of open land (Serengeti National Park is 5,000+ square miles big!). You view animals in their natural habitat, with only your vehicle between you and them. Your vehicle is equipped with a roof that opens so that you can stand, soak in a 360 degree view, and yell “Wuttup!!” to animals that are just feet away from you. The animals roam as they please and prey on each other as nature intended.
Here are my power rankings of the coolest safari animals:
5. Warthog – When these pigs move, they bounce just like Pumba from The Lion King. They also possess the silly dog-like tendency to stare at you, run away, stop, turn around, and stare at you again from a further distance.
4. Hyena – With sly movements, a filthy coat of hair, and a villainous laugh, these scavengers are just as creepy as the hyena trio from The Lion King. They also stirred up strong emotions in me. Anytime I saw hyenas loitering about, I thought, “Y’all caused Mufasa’s death, cowards!”
3. Hippopotamus – One of the most mesmerizing experiences of our safari was watching a herd of hippos constantly flip over while partially-submerged in a watering hole. Also, hippos impressively pull off the Hodor effect – goofy-looking as hell, but a force to be reckoned with when they really apply themselves.
2. Elephant – I remember as a kid going to Marine World and participating in the “a bunch of people play tug-of-war with an elephant and get their asses handed to them” interactive activity. While I was in awe of the size of an elephant back then, I was just as impressed seeing a herd up close in the wild. As elephants move very slowly, you have the unique opportunity to study every detail of their massive bodies. As I watched them on our safari, I daydreamed about random things like how this elephant lost part of their tusk, or how that elephant courted his mate, or whether those elephants ever accidentally tied their snouts in a knot during a playful roughhousing session.
1. Lion – How can a lion not be number one?! It’s Mufasa! It’s Simba! It’s a ferocious, intimidating animal that can destroy most other animals in single combat (yep, I miss Game of Thrones)! I’ll touch more on the badassery and love-making prowess of lions in later sections.
Survival of the fittest is on full display
Seeing safari animals up close is awesome in itself, but watching them hunt, eat, and size each other up takes the experience to another level.
We didn’t see anything as bonkers as The Battle at Kruger, but here are the coolest things that we did see:
4. Zebras being wusses – A zeal of thirsty zebras stood near a watering hole. The following sequence then happened about four times over the next half hour: Zebras slowly meander towards watering hole -> a few of the zebras get spooked and run away -> the rest of the zebras follow suit and run away -> the zebras calm down and return to their original location near watering hole. To this day, I wonder why the zebras acted like this. Were they recently traumatized by the loss of a brother or sister to a predator hiding in water? After thousands of years of evolution, are they just instinctively that cautious? Either way, zebras are a bunch of wusses (shoutout to your Opa for teaching me the word “wuss” at an early age)! This experience led your mom to drop gems like, “I’ve lost all respect for zebras,” and, “If I’m reincarnated as a zebra, I’m gonna be mad.”
3. Leopards eating a warthog – You can’t go wrong with watching a family of wild animals dig into the blood and guts of a limp animal carcass. Rest in paradise, Pumba descendant!
2. Hyenas and a jackal waiting on a wounded zebra – A zebra stood still, surrounded by a jackal and a few hyenas. Visible on the zebra’s body was a long, red gash. The hyenas, knowing that it was just a matter of time before the zebra succumbed to its wound, lay about patiently. The jackal, being an impatient punk, taunted the zebra. The zebra’s zeal stood far off in the distance, offering no support to their incapacitated loved one (wusses!). I asked our guide, “Why don’t the hyenas just attack the zebra?”, to which he responded, “The zebra would break their bones with a single kick.” We didn’t actually see the outcome of this Mexican standoff, but I’m sure it was as brutal as a Quentin Tarantino movie.
1. A lion protecting a dead wildebeest from hyenas – Five lions lounged around a dead wildebeest. Surrounding the lions about fifty feet away was a clan of hyenas, presumably desperate for a meal. After a while, three of the lions got up and nonchalantly walked off towards a watering hole miles into the distance. The hyenas then became feisty and started to close in on the remaining two lions. One of the lions got up into a defensive position. For the next half hour, that one lion held off the hyenas, swiping at hyenas that got too close, chasing off hyenas that tried to sneak up from behind, and overall just being a badass. At one point, the lion stood on top of the wildebeest and belted a ferocious roar. The second lion, knowing that the hyenas posed no real threat, napped peacefully! When the other three lions returned, the hyenas retreated. Moral of the story: The lion is KING for a reason!
You just don’t see this type of action at a zoo. I found myself emotionally engaged in all of the animal conflicts that we witnessed, rooting for some animals and feeling outraged by others.
A safari throws you into an interactive National Geographic show
Along with knowing how and where to find animals, safari guides possess encyclopedia-like knowledge on all of the animals.
What do wildebeests eat? Why is the rhinoceros going extinct? What is it about buffalos that led to the phrase “buffalo soldiers“? Safari guides can answer any random-ass animal question on the spot!
Sure, you could technically Google animal facts when you get home, but it’s a blast to pick a safari guide’s brain with the subject of your question literally 20 feet in front of you.
My favorite thing to ask our guide was, “Which of these two animals would win in a fight?” After asking this question so many times about various pairs of animals, I learned that the animal that weighs the most will probably win. I found this principle somewhat disappointing, as I like to think that some animals could overcome their weight disadvantage with their wits or taking advantage of a unique, weaponized body attribute. Whatever – I still believe that there are epic “David slays Goliath” upsets happening in the animal kingdom!
Watching animals fornicate is very entertaining
Kid, based on the sub-title above, you might think that your dad is into some really weird shit. Let me assure you that I am not (after all, I made you, didn’t I?). There are a couple of reasons why I find animal fornication very entertaining.
Call me immature, but I find watching two animals bone each other, while showing little to no emotion, incredibly funny. Whether it’s two house dogs going at it in the backyard, or two lions blessing the rains down in Africa, animal fornication will never not be hilarious to me.
On a more intellectual level, watching animals sex each other up while learning about the context around their mating patterns is a fascinating experience. For example, while watching a couple of lions get down with their dirty selves, we learned from our guide about their outrageous mating habits. According to Lion Alert, when in heat, lionesses can mate up to 100 times per day with an average interval of 17 minutes and each session lasting about 21 seconds. On hearing this from our guide, I was skeptical. Sure enough, about 15 minutes after the lions finished, the male hopped right back on, finished in under a minute (punctuated by a tired but satisfaction-filled roar), and lied back down next to his partner. Our guide was right! I never questioned his teachings again.
Shoutout to your Uncle for unearthing this gem of a reference that accompanies the photo below, from a Serengeti rest stop, perfectly. We should probably binge watch the TV show Eastbound and Down together. LET THE BOY WATCH.
A safari gives you that magical “middle of nowhere” feeling
One of the reasons why I like traveling to third world countries is to bask in that feeling of being in the middle of nowhere. With overpopulation and technology exploding across the globe, opportunities to get off the beaten path and visit isolated places are becoming far and few between.
On an African safari, you’ll run into plenty of other vehicles, but any other signs of civilization or technology are minimal. You won’t find highways, office buildings, or billboards in the Serengeti. Also, you most likely won’t have cell phone reception in the Serengeti. Many people today would consider being off the grid a con, but disconnecting is a huge pro to me!
Why do I crave that “middle of nowhere” feeling? I like escaping the hustle and bustle of the work life. I like the serenity and being able to peacefully reflect on whatever cool things I’m experiencing. Most of all, similarly to why I’m drawn to photography, I like feeling transported back in time.
My favorite moments from our safari were when we found animals with no other vehicles around. For example, as we watched giraffes eat from a tree, I thought that it was so cool that this same scene probably happened a million years ago in this same spot. Experiences like this give me the chills, kid!
If you crave that “middle of nowhere” feeling like me, bump up an African safari on your bucket list and start saving!
A bunch of other cool stuff
- A safari is effortless – You don’t have to hike on a safari. Your tour company takes care of food and beverage, driving, and finding animals. All you have to do is get into your vehicle and occasionally stand up, poke your head up out of the roof, and look at animals. Hell, if you’re really lazy, you can just lie back in your seat the whole day, urinate into a cup, and marvel at animals through the vehicle window.
- Safari workers are a joy to be around – Maybe this is a testament to the awesome hospitality ingrained in Tanzanian culture, but everyone with our tour company (from our guide, to the camp workers, to the cook) was helpful, friendly, and overall a joy to be around. One of my favorite camp memories is when a worker manually poured water into our tent shower at night despite being at risk of an animal mauling him from behind. He did his duty with a smile on his face, and was still very nice to us afterwards! We tipped him well.
- Dinner at a tented camp is a delight – At our camp, in addition to individual tents for sleeping, there was a larger, community tent for lounging and meals. This tent was equipped with comfortable seating and decorated like it was straight out of Toto’s “Africa” video. There are two reasons that I was pumped for tent dinners. The first was because of that “middle of nowhere” feeling. One moment, your mom and I were tying the knot in Napa, California, then just a few days later, we were having dinner in the Serengeti! African beer and wine, savory local cuisine, and a tasty-ass soup that probably had a full stick of butter melted in it, hit the SPOT.
THE BAD
It’s pricey and exhausting to get to a safari
An African safari ain’t cheap! If you live on the west coast of the United States, you’ll have to book a flight package that probably takes you to the eastern United States, to Western Europe, and finally to Africa. This will cost you anywhere from $1K to $2K (all prices are as of 2019, so good luck with inflation, kid!), depending on the season. Even if you’re originating from Western Europe or somewhere else in Africa, roundtrip flights still cost you $500 to $1K!
In the Serengeti, there are a ton of tour companies and hotels, all offering all-inclusive packages that take care of accommodation, meals, guide, and local transportation. Accommodations range from budget tented camps (~$500/night), to midrange tented camps (~$1K/night), to glamping aka fancy-ass tented camps (~1K+/night), to luxury lodges (multiple $ thousands/night).
Also, it’s a grueling trip just to get to an African safari. If you’re coming from California, it will take you 40 to 60+ hours of roundtrip flights and layovers. Who knows, maybe you’ll be ballin’ enough to afford that first class flight, premium airport lounge life. Otherwise, you better be ready to spend dozens of hours sitting in cramped airplane seats and crowded airport terminals.
Unless you’re rich, you will be roughing it
As mentioned above, luxury accommodation in the Serengeti will cost you a pretty penny. If luxury travel falls within your budget, congratulations. You can skip this section (and you should probably take me with you, as I’ve already changed hundreds of your feces-filled diapers!). If not, it’s all good as long as you’re prepared to rough it.
Of course, the definition of “roughing it” will vary greatly depending on the living conditions that you’re used to. Non-luxury accommodation in the Serengeti is generally “roughing it” compared to your average hotel in the United States. While the tent you’ll sleep in is sizable (our tent was about the size of a small hotel room), it’s still a tent.
Our tent contained most hotel staples (bed, chairs, tables, lights, curtains), but with zipped thresholds instead of doors. The bathroom is where “roughing it” really comes into play, consisting of a low pressure sink and toilet, and a shower that, as mentioned earlier, a worker had to manually pour water into. The alternative to the “worker stands outside tent and pours water into shower” method was taking a bucket shower. Common across the third world where running water is scarce, bucket showers are a pain in the ass. Fill a bucket with water and scoop or pour water on yourself as needed. Bucket showers suck, especially when the weather is cold, or as your mom can attest, when you have long hair!
Also, anytime you sleep in a tent, you run the risk of sharing it with critters. Upon entering our tent for the first time, I wondered why our room contained a lockable chest. The next morning, I found out the hard way, as something (a mouse or rat?) had chewed the crap out of my precious motion sickness armbands case that I had left outside of the chest!
When it comes to the animals, waiting is the hardest part
Kid, enjoying a safari takes patience. You know those riveting scenes from the TV show Planet Earth that seem like they’re straight out of an action movie? I’m pretty sure that it takes the production crews weeks, not to mention a whole lot of luck, to find and shoot those scenes.
Before going on a safari, I assumed that the end-to-end process of “predator spotting prey” to “predator killing prey” lasted 5 to 15 minutes. Boy, was I wrong.
Predators on a safari are the ultimate teases. For example, shortly after setting out in our vehicle for the day, we stumbled upon a lion crouched in the grass, intently watching zebras in the distance. I thought, “JACKPOT – Time to watch an early morning murder!” After our driver parked our vehicle, we busted out our breakfast, kicked back, and watched the lion as we sipped our tea. Excitement filled the air, as the early-morning light grew stronger and a hot air balloon rose above a promising scene. This is as good as it got though, as my giddy thoughts of, “This is the best breakfast of my LIFE”, slowly faded to irritated thoughts of, “Are you serious, lion? Make your damn move!”
Over a span of 45 minutes, as the zebras slowly grazed their way out of the scene, the lion literally sat in the same spot, just watching. We eventually drove off, resigned to the fact that hunting in the animal kingdom just doesn’t play out as on-demand as it does on the Discovery Channel. My half-serious conclusion was this: No wonder animals go extinct; they take their sweet time in seizing the opportunity to eat!
We also did a lot of waiting as our guide drove our vehicle around looking for animals. A huge pro of the zoo experience is that you don’t have to go far to see the next animal. Sometimes on a safari, you might drive around for miles before seeing your next animal.
A bunch of other bad stuff
- On-the-go safari meals suck – While dinners on a safari are unforgettable, I wish that I could forget the safari meals that we ate on the go. Our mobile lunches typically consisted of room-temperature fried chicken, bland bread, a weak-ass muffin, a juice box, and a few dull pieces of fruit.
- Montezuma’s revenge isn’t limited to Mexico – When traveling in Africa, because of the lack of hygiene and clean water in many areas, and because our gringo digestive systems aren’t used to some of the foods and bacteria on the great African continent, the risk of catching a stomach bug is relatively high. If there was one piece of advice in this letter that I hope sticks with you for the rest of your life, it’s this. If you have access to a bathroom, you’re about to hit the road, and have the slightest inclination to have to use the bathroom, don’t hesitate thinking that you can hold it. Just go use it! Otherwise, you could find yourself having to take a dump in the jungle or lion territory.
- Being torn apart by a wild animal would be a rough way to die – Speaking of taking a dump in lion territory, our guide told us a crazy story about one of his customers. While out on a safari, a woman had to use the bathroom, but couldn’t wait until the nearest rest stop. After assuming that the coast was clear, she got out of the vehicle and popped a squat. Seemingly out of nowhere, a lion attacked her from behind! Somehow, thanks to the savvy guide, she survived. The chances of being harmed by a safari animal is very low, but it still is a risk! Also, at both of our Serengeti accommodations, we had to be escorted around the premises at night by dudes with machetes in case of an animal attack. The risk is low, but if you do get attacked by a safari animal, just punch it in the nose (or does that just work with sharks?).
THE BOTTOM LINE
If you’re looking for a vacation with high “numerous jaw-dropping experiences” potential, it’s tough to go wrong with an African safari. I cherish the memories from our safari of hearing your mom yell “Oh my god!!”, then looking over to see her mouth agape, beaming with child-like glee as she looked on at wild animals just feet away.
The crazy thing is, observing wild animals is just the beginning of a safari. Just when you think that you’ve reached the pinnacle of the experience, the trip hits you with life-or-death animal conflicts, blissful dinners, and amusing animal fornication sessions, all against an exotic backdrop in the middle of nowhere.
An African safari isn’t for everyone though. It’s an expensive, arduous trip to get to a safari. If your idea of “roughing it” is a non-five-star hotel, you should probably save your money and stick to that zoo life. Safaris involve a ton of waiting, as well as the risks of getting sick (high) and getting attacked by wild animals (low).
If for some reason your mom and I don’t take you on an African safari before you read this, I hope that this letter gives you an idea of what to expect when you do go.
Love,
Dad
P.S. More fun facts! I worked on this letter after I returned to work from paternity leave and during your first two vacations (Monterey and Lake Tahoe)! As I write this sentence, I’m lying on the couch while you sleep in your bassinet next to me. You keep stirring and waking yourself up, probably because you have bad gas.